If you want to stop being a victim one of the basic things is learning how not to be a victim. If you don’t want to be a puppet on a string to your emotions, you can find some interesting advice on what to do. For example Ruth Stender of Seattle Energy Medicine wrote:
We’ve all fallen victim to negative events in life—at home, work, school, or just while out running errands or shopping. And the pain we suffer from being victimized ranges from minor, like getting cut off in traffic where the consequences fade within a few hours, to more serious things, like physical abuse or abandonment, where consequences linger for many years, or in some cases, a life time. But, what does it really mean to be a victim? The word victim applies to how we define the results of being violated, cheated, or assaulted in some way. One way we become the victim is when we take something personally.
Taking something personally means to make “it” (the thing that someone else did) about you. A sign that you’re making yourself the victim is when your attitude, thoughts, or behavior changes based on someone else’s actions. When we take something personally, we are claiming the role of victim because we do feel like someone has done something “to” us. Everybody knows what it feels like to be affected by someone else’s actions; therefore, we have all taken on the role of victim at one point or another. There’s no getting around it.
Ms. Stender makes some useful points and yet she makes some generalities that are not accurate for everyone. While personalizing is one of the major ways people take offense and feeling like a victim. The truth of the matter is, even though Ms. Stender says there is no getting around feeling like a victim, there is. She goes on to suggest…
What to do about it: To get out of the victim role requires taking personal responsibility. Taking personal responsibility takes on a whole new meaning if you can see your whole life, from cradle to grave, as one big lesson for your soul. Personal responsibility starts before you are ever born.
Unless you like being the victim, which some people actually do (because of the attention they get—however negative), you can take personal responsibility for whatever situation is bothering you. Taking personal responsibility means to stop blaming others and to take action by doing something within your control. Some things may seem out of your control but you always have a choice, even if it’s as simple as shifting your attitude. Instead of having an attitude of expecting someone to behave a certain way, change to an attitude of letting them be, knowing we each have our own reasons for doing what we do and acting how we act. Have an attitude of it’s not about me and leave it at that.
I am sure Ms. Stender meant well and though she was helping when she advised the solution is taking personal responsibility. She was kind enough to tell us what to do but forgot to tell us how to do it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for taking personal responsibility and we actually teach you HOW to do it. It seems cruel to tell someone they need to stop being a victim and the way is take personal responsibility and then not explain how to do it. If someone feels like a victim and you don’t tell them how to do what you suggest, is that going to make them feel empowered or victimized?
Well I’m not going to tell you how to develop personal responsibility, I’m instead going to tell you how to not be a victim. Part of what Ms Stender said is true. People do feel like victims when they take what another person says personally. They believe that what another person says is true and is really what is going on.
Why do you do this? Because you have misinterpreted the information you are giving yourself. Here is the rule about communication that no one has ever told you.
Rule of Life:
Whatever anyone says is NEVER the actual truth (even if it seems to be), it is NEVER about you. All anyone can ever do is talk about what is going on inside of them. The same is true for you.
Someone says, “You are _____ (fat, ugly, rude, insensitive, black, white, martian, etc)”. Even if it is close they are not talking about you, they are only talking about what is going on inside of them.
The same goes for you. But you’ve always thought that what you thought about others was true and yet, it was only your projection. It has always been and always will be about what is going on inside of you and not the other person, place or thing.
So the easiest way of learning how not to be a victim is to begin reminding yourself that what you say or what “they” say is not true because it is not talking about the other person it is talking about what is going on inside the person speaking.
You will take less and less comments personally as you play the game of remembering they aren’t telling THE truth, they are talking about what is going on inside them. And your life will get better when you do the same thing to yourself.
Now if you want to speed up the process it requires training and someone working with you so you can stay committed. We do that in our Totally Instant Emotional Control Course. If you want the real training that will teach you not only how not to be a victim but also how to have joy, peace and pleasure contact us.
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